Here it is:
Don't mention the C-word!Wuurgh! Don't men-shun the C word. The PC Brig-a-yd have gone and banned Criss-muss. Don't panic!
It's that time of year again, when we're not supposed to mention the C-word.
We've had a trendy vicar rewriting carols to remove all reference to Christmas; a Sally Army collector told to stop rattling his tin in case it upsets other religions; and a Nativity play in Nottinghamshire cancelled because it clashes with the Muslim festival of Eid.
A woman in Gateshead was ordered by a housing worker to take down fairy lights because they could offend non-Christians. Oh, and a pensioner was punched to the ground in Tunbridge Wells for playing carols too loud.
Ho, ho, ho. Don't worry. It'll all be over by Christmas.
Here goes, from the top:
We've had a trendy vicar rewriting carols to remove all reference to ChristmasNo we haven't.
We've had a vicar removing one carol ('O Little Town of Bethlehem') because Bethlehem isn't actually that peaceful.
a Sally Army collector told to stop rattling his tin in case it upsets other religionNo we haven't.
Here's a quote from the Salvation Army in the actual article where the Mail claims they've been banned from rattling tins because of other religions:
Some authorities specifically ask us not to shake our tins. It is seen as harassment, or making people feel uncomfortable. I don't think it's to do with other religions. But it can make people feel we're putting them under pressure to give.Plus, several commenters point out that it is illegal to rattle any sort of tin for any reason.
Back to Smellyface:
and a Nativity play in Nottinghamshire cancelled because it clashes with the Muslim festival of Eid.No we haven't.
We've had a pantomime in Nottinghamshire postponed because it clashes with Eid. Which means some of the cast wouldn't be around to be in it. Call me old fashioned, but when I go to see a play, I expect people to actually be in it.
A woman in Gateshead was ordered by a housing worker to take down fairy lights because they could offend non-Christians.You can guess what comes next, right? No she wasn't!
Here are some relevant quotes from the Mail's own skewed coverage of the story:
The 41-year-old mother-of-three said: 'I put the lights up in the first week of November and then recently a uniformed housing worker was outside, and it looked like he was counting my decorations.Note the distinct lack of any mention of offending non-Christians and the curious presence of someone counting the lights - which points toward the Housing Officer claiming that there were just too many damn lights. But, most importantly, from the Mail's article:
'When I went outside he said that the lights were "offensive to the community". If I was offending anyone I could understand why he was telling me, but nobody has complained.
A spokesman for South Tyneside Council said: 'We would like to make it clear that South Tyneside Homes is happy for residents to put up Christmas lights to decorate their homes.So the woman never had to take her lights down - a detail Smellyface leaves out, making it look as though the lights have gone. Which they haven't. And nobody can quote anyone saying the decorations were offensive to other religions.
'Christmas lights bring a bit of festive cheer to everybody and we are delighted to see examples of tenants and leaseholders across the borough taking so much pride in the appearance of their homes.
'We have received no complaint about this alleged incident, but are investigating the matter and apologise for any upset this may have caused.
Never mind, eh? He gets in a 'hilarious' reference to a sitcom from the 70s and makes it look as though the word 'Christmas' is being treated like the word 'cunt', so it's a win double.
Pity about the FAIL quadruple.
Ah, buggrit. Eric the Fish beat me to it. Never mind though. You can never have too many people slagging off Smellyface.