Money for old rope

It's been a while since I bothered to look at anything spat out by Richard Littlejohn. When I look at his picture, I don't have the urge to stuff my tongue behind my lower lip and go 'Urlurrr!' until my face goes red and it hurts a bit, so my mind is probably detoxed enough by now to have another look at whatever he's most recently dashed off in five minutes before leaving his gated mansion and stamping off to IHoP in his flip-flops.

Here's how a Littlejohn column usually goes. Start with a news story - preferably one that's been made up or distorted by the tabloids in the first place, take it to it's furthest extreme, and then use it to back up loads of other made up rubbish.

Yesterday's is a fantastic example. 'A postcard from killjoy Britain ...' Ah, killjoy Britain. The place where I have never had any fun, ever - because fun is banned. Seriously, my facial muscles wouldn't know how to smile.

It starts by mentioning the story about Worcester Council banning ice cream vans from playing their chimes for more than four seconds every three minutes. The bastards.

Then, in an absolute genius bit of spurious linking to something unrelated, he says, "OK, so Worcester isn't exactly everyone's first choice of a summer vacation destination. But just you wait until other councils cotton on." Which translates into real world English as, "I want to moan about the seaside being ruined by PC Gone Mad, but if I didn't use this story I wouldn't have an excuse, so I'm using it anyway. You won't even notice, you morons."

Anyone else notice the slip into the usage of 'vacation' there - because Littlejohn lives in America now. Won't be long before he starts trying to steal our women away with black market nylon and chewing gum.

Anyway - he goes on to take the ice cream van thing to its furthest extreme, with hilarious results. But I can't reproduce them here because we live in killjoy Britain where all fun is banned and I might get a fine from a lollipop lady or something for making you laugh. We're then told:
It's happening already. [And then chuntering on about ice cream vans for a bit before...] This is just another manifestation of Britain's killjoy culture. Government at every level works on the basis: find out what people enjoy doing and stop them.
Luckily, I've been lying about fun being banned by killjoys, just like Littlejohn. Most of what he goes on about exists only in the crazy Britain invented in his own head. In another stroke of luck, he goes into some greater detail about that Britain for us, so we can all see what it's like.

In his made up version of Britain:
Councils from Blackpool to Bournemouth are already busy banning donkey rides, on animal cruelty grounds [...]
Here's a screen dump from the real-Britain's Blackpool Council website:

Yes, those would be details of how to get a licence to run donkey rides, because they haven't been banned in real life.

Which takes us to the end of that sentence:
[...] and [banning] Punch and Judy shows, which they ludicrously claim glorify domestic violence.
Here's another section of the Blackpool Council website:

Yes, those would be details of a Punch and Judy show, described as 'guaranteed entertain both children and adults alike!' It's on tomorrow if you fancy it. It's guaranteed entertain after all.

It's impossible to show examples of how his following claims are made up cack, and that's because he doesn't tell us where any of the things he's ranting about are supposed to be happening, and they only mention people trying to have things banned or having deck chairs 'in their sights'. To ban, presumably. Like how donkey rides and Punch and Judy shows are banned in Blackpool.

In Littlejohn's Britain:
Thanks to the food hygiene mentalists, it's become almost impossible to eat fish and chips out of the paper any more.
Note the almost qualifier. Even in his fantasy land, he can't bring himself to pretend eating fish and chips out of the paper is banned, since rather a large percentage of people reading the column have probably just done that - or seen someone doing it, or might even be doing it as they read the column.

More toot-toot fantasy land stuff:
And, as I observed recently, the condiment communists are so hell-bent on preventing your arteries silting up that they're confiscating salt cellars with more than five holes.
Yes Richard. I'm sure they are.

Incidentally, here is a picture of my lunch:

Note the paper.

And here's a picture of the salt shaker I used just moments after taking the last pic:

Note the gazillion holes in the top.

I can't really be bothered with the rest. Suffice it to say that if there really were a bunch of PC killjoys at every level of government intent on banning everything they find offensive, Littlejohn could expect massive fines - if not prison - for printing things like:
There's something intrinsically funny about dwarfs.
Instead, he's the highest paid columnist in the land!

Or, rather the highest paid columnist not in this land, but another one far away where he never has to trouble himself with what's really going on in the real Britain. Good, frankly. If he ever got wind of what really went on here, he'd be back like a shot, gobbling up chips in the paper while busting the back of a donkey with his big arse before stumbling off to an ice cream van and cheering on Mr Punch as he bashes his wife with a stick.


John B said...

I think by "the paper" he means "old newspaper". Otherwise you're right.

Matt said...

my dad works for Worcester city council, evidently the practise of minimising the amount vans play s fairly widespread (most people are evidently too busy frowning to notice) however staff at worcester were just stupid enough to make some kind of report about it so the press got wind if it.

Matt said...

that first evidently was meant to be an 'apparantly', which makes me sound less of a prat.

also i wouldn't quote my claim about the widespread limitation of ice cream van music, it was just the explanation offered to me.

Dr Nick said...

I was in Scotland a few weeks ago and I bought a round of fish suppers for friends I was staying with. Not only were the suppers wrapped in plain wrapping paper, but also several sheets of the Sunday Express (this was a Saturday so it was probably the previous week's edition).

Although this practice is rare, I don't think it is rare because of 'elf 'n' safety grounds, however it is likely that bulk loads of plain wrapping paper is cheaper than buying newspapers.

Or does Scotland not count in Littlejohn's Britain?

Tom Evans said...

I doubt anyone could show any valid health objection to wrapping food in newspaper — it's probably more that people don't want to buy food with ink on it.

And a crack down on excessive noise is very welcome for me as I find noise pollution very distressing. We don't allow people to torment us with unwelcome touch or smell, why should noise be exempt?

BenSix said...

Excellent kicking.

Incidentally, have you ever tried submitting comments to the Mail website? They have an interesting comment function that filters out everything except "common sense" and "Littlejohn for Prime Minister".

"I doubt anyone could show any valid health objection to wrapping food in newspaper — it's probably more that people don't want to buy food with ink on it."

And, of course, I don't want the risk of having Littlejohn near my food.

Five Chinese Crackers said...

I have indeed tried to submit comments to the Mail site. I've been knocked back nearly every time, but managed once or twice.

Never got anything through on a Littlejohn column.

Tom Evans said...

Here's the real salt shaker story:


No question of anything being confiscated, they're just supplying alternative shakers with four holes. Still a very stupid idea, but there is no compulsion to use them.