How many times can satire die?

On a day when the Express reveals that 95% of the readers who bothered to take part in its poll want to withdraw from the EU*, earning it the 'No Shit Sherlock' award for today, it includes glowing coverage of an open letter from Jim Davidson to the Home Secretary about crime in the UK. The paper also includes the full text of the letter, which is something to behold. In it, Davidson manages one of those 'you don't live in the real world' type comments:
Go out, to any town in the UK, on a Saturday night when the clubs turn out. I dare you.

This is despite the fact that he doesn't actually live in the UK, so quite how often he's in any town in the UK on a Saturday night when the clubs kick out is anyone's guess.

Davidson was prompted to write his letter by this event:
Last week I was in the UK and in one of England's prettiest villages I was threatened and assaulted by a thug. A witness and I called the Police to remove this person from my face! (The police station was 100 yards from the incident.)

What he doesn't seem to realise is that this didn't happen because Britain is broken or crime-ridden or anything like Escape From New York - it happened because Jim Davidson is a cunt. If you were Jim Davidson, you'd think Britain was out of control too from the amount of times you got called a fucking wanker in public.

Anyway, I digress. The beauty of all this is that the country Davidson is singing the praises of because of its wonderful legal system is Dubai. The Dubai who's legal system is based on Sharia Law. Here's an example of what sort of punishments people in Dubai might face:
Dr Khalifa Rashid Al Sha’ali, Dean of the Faculty of Law at Ajman University, said if a man and a woman who are not related are caught alone in a private place, they face a jail sentence or lashes even if they were not involved in any suspicious act.

Great. The Express actually endorses Sharia Law as practised in the Middle-East now.

This would be an interesting poll for the Express to set its readers - give a list of crimes and punishments set down in Dubai's legal system without actually telling them the laws have anything to do with Sharia - and see how many get supported. Wonder if Jim Davidson likes the fact that "Article 177 of the Penal Code of Dubai imposes imprisonment of up to 10 years on consensual sodomy." Probably loves it.

* Here are some other things Daily Express readers would support:

- The return of National Service
- The return of the Birch
- The return of the Mack

Oh and "NO TO SHARIAH LAW IN BRITAIN!" Except maybe when Jim Davidson supports it without letting you know he's talking about Sharia.


Tom Evans said...

Tomorrow: Jade Goody gives her views on TV being dumbed down, and Gordon Ramsey asks whether common courtesy is outdated.

John B said...

Not that it undermines your wider point, but the Tawajed clause on men and women being jailed/flogged/deported for being alone together isn't in operation in Dubai (it is in Abu Dhabi).

Five Chinese Crackers said...

Ah - that'll teach me to not check my sources! I had though the link would apply to Dubai since it was at Dubai for Visitors, but there you go. maybe I should go easy on the Churners!

ydue said...

The entire letter is a work of genius, but I think the best bit is probably bankrupt Jim praising the legal system of a country which still has debtors' prisons.

Akela said...

I would just like to thank you for pointing out the bit about the kid that called Jim Davidson a fucking wanker. What utter genius! I have honestly not laughed so much in a very long time, I actually nearly suffocated!