Beam me up, Slacky!

Amazing proof of the actual usefulness of Daily Mail hacks was uncovered yesterday when reporter James Slack invented something other than outrage and inflated immigration statistics - an amazing teleporting fence!

The article 'Illegal immigrants only have to climb a fence in Calais to sneak into Britain' reveals the existence of the Star Trek style barrier, which can teleport illegal immigrants across over 21 miles of open water in the English Channel.

The modest reporter has kept news of his incredible invention under wraps, not publishing any details in any scientific journals or other news sources, only revealing its existence in the his own paper and not taking any credit for his inventiveness.

"It's very selfless," said some bloke in the street I threatened with physical violence if he didn't give me the quote I wanted, "imagine inventing what could be the major technological breakthrough of the new millenium and not letting anyone know you'd made it up - and donating it for the sole use of illegal immigrants. The man is truly a marvel!"

Staff at the Mail were unavailable for comment on Slack's invention, but it's unlikely they'll be happy with his helping the illegal immigrants community, traditionally vilified by the paper. Privately, think-tank MigrationWatch are thought to be in fury. "Maybe it's a ruse and Slack will sell the technology to the Home Office to teleport them all back again," they might have said. Or something.

Some readers sceptical of the news. One Guardian reader said, "It looks more like he's exaggerated in a headline to scare his readers than actually invented teleporting".

Shadow Home Secretary David Davis said*, "The implications of this technology are truly staggering. Building one of these fences around a prison or detention area could ensure that escapees are sent straight back to their cells. Benefit claimants could be made to scale the fence to get to the benefits office, sending Polish ones right back to Warsaw."


*Not really.